golden state of mind

I LOVE CALIFORNIA

I came home to sunny Seal Beach, California and I almost was in tears. California is my love. It is where I grew up, lived life, explored with friends, explored alone, cherished, and completely fell in love with. I live in a city that still has the original main street along the beach. It has cute shops and good food. We have warm weather and a nice house. Good lighting in all the rooms and a sense of home. A sense of love. I am not explaining myself well because I don't know how to explain it. I am in love with everything about where I was born and raised. This place is special. It is unlike anywhere else. If you are blessed enough to live somewhere like this, stay there. I want to raise a family in California. We can have a cabin in the cold and go there sometimes but California is where I need to be. It is where I THRIVE.

I drove the streets I know so well in the little silver car I know so well. His name is Alexander. He dies when he idles and is about the size of an oversized go-cart. I love him though. I listened to my classic Ramones tapes I left; they are my fav. Good tunes.

Today I went to Balboa Island and the Ruby's Shake Shack. I walked the places I know so well and drove along PCH past the beaches I know like the back of my hand. Poppy & MacArthur. Balboa & Pelican Point. They come and go like memories from younger days. Sometimes coming home makes people miss where they live, but for me it made me want to stay home. I don't want to go back. I don't want the responsibilities and expectations that come with being the student athlete I am. I want to be a designated explorer. A girl who does only what she loves and can get a set income for just that. I want a life of freedom and adventure with just enough academic challenge to keep me interested. Is that possible? Can people have what they want while doing what they want? In these days, I just don't think it happens. So lets change something. Lets start doing what we love and not worrying about the consequences. Lets live in the warmth and go to the beach until we find something better.

WHY NOT

maybe

maybe I will change

maybe I will forget

maybe I will get lost

maybe I will mess up

maybe I will suck

maybe I will be wrong

maybe I will cry

maybe I will lose him

a great love

I feel inspired by people.

When I moved here I lost a little bit of my inspiration through the human population. I thought Provo was the worst place for me; it didn't match my need for diversity. My never-ending desire to see things different and unique and beautiful. California is the best for that reason. It satisfies my need for cool things to do on the weekend and cool artistic people to share them with. Here I felt trapped. Trapped by the religious norms that suffocated the styles, mannerisms, interests, and even thoughts of those within them. I love my religion. It is what has shaped who I am and I will never waver from it. However, some people misunderstand it. They don't understand that because you are given guidelines it doesn't mean you can't be unique and different from everyone else under those guidelines.

BE FREAKING YOU.

Don't even lie to me and say you don't listen to music by Childish Gambino because it is trash. Have you ever read his lyrics?! He is genius. He is confident in himself and his abilities. He is in charge of his life.

Back to people. I have met some of the greatest people on Earth in the past few months. People who have made me love Provo. Who have made me love Alpine. Who are strong in the Church, who love God, who are striving to be their best self, who are creative and passionate. I love these people.

K is my favorite. He is my boy. I always search for a "great love". That's what I call it. It just means a love that will last, that is real, and that is GREAT. No one settling because it is easy, no constant fighting that never is resolved, no hesitation before "I love you". I don't easily commit because of the great love syndrome. No one is right. I don't want to hurt anyone because what if I realize they are not the great love and I have to leave? What then? But K wasn't like that. K is the great love. K is the boy I wake up in the morning thinking about and go to sleep dreaming about. He is the boy who can make me feel like I am the prettiest girl in the world. He is the boy who is making me cry right this instant because of the feelings I have for him. He is the one making me have to revert to my ability to type without looking because my eyes are too cloudy from tears right now. He is the kind of boy who picks you up with a whole tea party set up in the back of his red subaru. He blindfolded me so I wouldn't see the surprise because he knows how I love those. We kissed the second time hanging out; said I love you the third. It was the greatest month of my life. He is serving now in Arizona. How he has always wanted to. He is happy and so am I. I still cry. But I am happy. K is my boy and I am his girl so I have to be happy. He is my great love.

E is my next favorite. She is K's friend. I am so happy we met. We are like peas and carrots. K used to say that a lot. I love her. We talk every day about unicorns and love and people. We disco on the weekends. We are one in the same. I prayed for a friend like her. When my heart was broken and I felt hurt by the world I wanted someone like her. She came and made me a better person; she inspired me. I love people who challenge me. People who think I am cool and make me strive everyday to live up to that. I am so happy she is happy. I am so happy she can comfort me on days that I feel sad. On days when everyone is skating with their love and mine isn't there. On days when I feel stressed and miss having K around to take care of me and make me hot chocolate. E is a girl who underestimates her strength. She is powerful. She is real. Fancy bracelet and all.

Then there are others. People like Z & N. They like me and make me feel like I belong. Like I can hang with them and they can hang with me. Like real friends who care. I needed people like that. Everyone needs people like that. They make things better and happier.

Things are good here for Jen. I like when people call me Jen.

When K picked me up he drove around yelling Jen until I found him. So Jen is nice to me. It feels like home.

much love to my people

jen




IM WINNIN SO THEY HAD TO THROW THE GATORADE

ok

honestly this is a rant.
don't take it for anything bigger or better.
i'm ticked.

People underestimate me. They think that because I don't talk all the time or because I have a small frame or that because I fail tests sometimes that are easy that I'm not strong, powerful, intelligent, thoughtful, spiritual, opinionated, and a hardworking individual. Well listen up.

I don't have to sit and ask you about your day or tell you your hair looks cute to be these things. If I wanna say something I will. But if I don't I WON'T. So quit telling me I'm so cute and small. Quit telling me I'm so shy and quiet. Quit telling me you understand me and who I am. Only a few people know that and I guarantee you aren't one of them. Quit telling me that maybe if I talk to my professor and introduce myself I would get a better grade. Quit telling me that I need to have fake emotional connections with people who I don't care about. I don't care about you. So excuse my while I don't ask how your weekend was. If I care I'll ask.

I remember everything. Chances are I remember the exact outfit you wore when we met. Blue calvin klein polo, tan pants, black beat up nike shoes, a sprite in hand and a goofy smile. I was interested so I pursued it and learned whatever I could about you. Intrigued, you could say.

Come & talk to me and I will want to talk to you. But don't expect me to go out of my way to talk to you if I don't see any redeeming value in the exchange. I have no one I care to impress and no one I need to fit in with.

I am Jennifer Bandley. The only one of my kind. Don't try to understand.

now

thoughts

what are you thinking about when you dive under that wave

cold water rushing through your hair

what about during each brush stroke on your painting

colors flowing through your canvas with energy and purpose

how about as the centrifugal force pulls your clay into a delicate vase

thin walls, a beautiful mess in your hands

what do you think about through each step of your race

or as you fly through the air of your jump

what are you thinking about as you travel to faraway countries

breathing in new air endlessly searching for the unknown

do you know?

is it nothing? is it everything?

is it calm?

thats why you do it, isn’t it.

you are calm

and you like that

moving, doing, running, being, thriving, living

maybe you love to think but hate it too

thinking is beautiful but it gets old

same thoughts over and over like reruns on a boring old show

nothing new nothing cool nothing for you

so you focus your thoughts on

the wave

the painting

the vase

the race

the jump

the city

thats it.

worries, cares, stress, sadness, anger, hurt

gone

there is joy in simplicity

maybe you like running away

you can’t explain it

but you don’t have to

you love doing.

kid

I was born in fall the time of change

I always loved change

I loved moving on

leaving it all behind

it was good and bad

some indescribably good some unthinkably bad

“wanna play” was my most used phrase

the kids poured out from their houses

we played for hours sewer to sewer

those were the boundaries

the only boundaries

when I felt hurt or unloved they loved me

it was me and the boys, thats what I wanted and thats what I loved

I wanted a sister but not a girly one a real one

one who would paint my nails but let me play basketball too

I never got one but it was okay

brothers were better anyways

we voted MVPs at the end of every game

he always voted for himself

I usually voted for him too

I liked him

he was my best friend

the one who taught me how to be fun and happy and fearless

he always sang how to save a life and that one about the sadie hawkins dance in his khaki pants

i loved those songs

we ate italian ices after every game

we built forts and listened to them on his ipod mini

we played for hours and hours and hours until mom called for dinner

that was my favorite

I never told him I had a classroom of teddy bears at home

or that I renamed myself Mrs. Shirley for my imaginary students while I played school

those were girly things so I kept them hidden

when the evenings turned to night and I fell asleep in a matter of seconds

things were easier, happier, simpler

then we grew up

he went there and I went there

we grew apart

then one day he came back

the memories flooded back and suddenly I didn’t wanna grow up

I wanted to play football in the street until mom called for dinner.

one of a kind

The painting was marvelous; the only of its kind

grandiose, amazing, expressive, they would say, but they were wrong.

paint was splattered, pieces were missing, parts were unfinished;

The painting was a mess.

she was hurt

she was raw

she was real

but no one helped or fixed her

because after all, you can’t touch artwork in museums 

it’s much too "beautiful".

-------------------------------------------

xoxo, jennifer

falling together

like waking up on a summer morning to a soft breeze and the smell of french toast downstairs

like watching the sunset by the fire on the beach

like hugging your best friend after being apart for a while

like throwing a vase on the wheel

like running into the ocean at full speed until your legs are caught by the water and you fall in

That's how things feel right now. So happy and blessed and content.

So here's how it goes.

I am going to BYU in the fall where I will be competing for their track team and majoring in Studio Art. I'm chasing my dreams, people. I'm excited and so very blessed. Yesterday I competed in triple jump at CIF Prelims for Division I. And guess what? I qualified for finals next week! I am beyond excited. Before I competed I read Ether 12 in the Book of Mormon and read my favorite verse, verse 27, which reads "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I read this and felt at peace and knew I would finally be strong. I am so grateful.

Now let me tell you about a little jaunt we took to Boston a while back. It was beyond amazing. Boston is a gorgeous and well thought out place. There are no lame or ugly buildings in the city. They are all designed with precision and care and are AMAZING. The architecture left me speechless. The history is so rich there and everyone was so nice and helpful to us as we maneuvered through the city. Strangely enough, I maneuvered through Boston super easily. Kinda crazy considering I get lost like ALL the time here. But there I was the leader who took my family through the subways and bus stops with ease. I loved it. We were there right before the Boston Marathon took place. Because of how raw the pains from last years marathon are, everyone in Boston had gathered together for several memorials and seemed very connected and unified. It was truly inspiring. Here are countless photos from the great adventure. I can't even express how much I loved it. Brandon and I ended up getting really sick at the end but luckily we still enjoyed the majority of our travels.

https://vimeo.com/92783542
Also check out the video I made here ^^^

xoxo

jen

i just know i know i know that you're gonna be okay

HEY
currently listening to: The Wire by Haim (fav modern 80'sish band)

Today I came to a wonderful realization: life is real cool. On saturday I had one of the worst days in Long Jump that I have EVER had. It made me cry in front of my head coach, was humiliating, and shook me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I was hurt, mad, confused, angry, and exhausted. I didn't understand why that would happen but sometimes I believe things go wrong in our lives for a reason. To teach the lesson we least want. The one we need. I learned that I need to reassess my life and make some changes for the better. I have to stop worrying. I have to stop stressing. I have to repent, be better, and move forward in faith. What I failed to remember while I was crying my eyes out was that I PRed in triple jump, won the meet, rebroke the school record, AND got a huge picture of me in the newspaper. Crazy right?! I was too busy having a pity party that I failed to see how blessed I am. I am going to grow up. I'm going to do track in college or maybe I'm not. But I will be alright. I will eventually own a boutique where I will sell my artwork along with clothing, books, music, and plants that I find inspiring and beautiful and happy. I will do that. No one can stop me and no one can control me. I own my life and I own me. I was put here to be happy and to accomplish things and DANG IT I'm going to.

xoxo

jen

p.s. the photos at the top are some future house inspiration I have been loving. no relation to the post whatsoever

yeah, yeah

MY LIFE LATELY

school

Well, the results are in. I got into all the schools I applied to. BYU, University of Utah, Utah Valley University, and Utah State. Now to decide where to go. This is causing me some serious headaches. If I could just choose with no strings attached I am fairly certain I would choose University of Utah. Unfortunately their tuition is through the roof. There are so many pros and cons for each school it makes my stomach hurt. I need to really think hard and pray about it. I wish this was easier. Just the other night when my family was trying to read scriptures I threw a fit and ran to my room and sobbed for around 10 minutes straight. I guess I hadn't really cried about all the pressure and stress I was feeling and it really poured out. It was good to not have it bottled up anymore but made me realize how huge next year is for me. Moving away, living on my own, growing up; it's a lot. A lot.

track

This is probably my favorite on the list right this moment. I am so excited about this season of track. I am doing long jump, triple jump, and the 200. No 400 and no relays. I am sad about that but also extremely happy that I don't have to feel stretched in so many directions. I am really focusing on my jumps this year for college and am hoping it pays off. I know for sure that I want to compete in college. Division I athlete. I love the way that sounds. Recently I competed in the California State Indoor Meet in Fresno. It was so cool! It was my first official indoor meet and I took 5th in triple jump, set a PR, and broke the school record with a jump of 36'5"! I was so stoked. Other than that, I haven't had any really big meets. But I can't wait to see what is in store. I need to improve to be at a collegiate level, but I really feel like I am ready to break free and crush my goals.

donuts

I eat two cake donuts with white frosting and sprinkles nearly every morning. I may or may not have yelled DONUTS at the top of my lungs in my car after work on saturday and scrounged for 75 cents only to find they were closed because it was after noon. I also may or may not have recited a poem to myself in the car about how crushed I was about that.

friends

I made a new friend. His name is Kevin. I like him lots. We talk about anything and everything. Mostly in the evenings in his car. I love those. He asked me on a date on Valentines Day and it was the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for little jband. I was amazed and enjoyed every second of it. I'm so excited he had the courage to talk to me and start a friendship that will last a lifetime I'm sure. We have hung out several times since then and every time I discover more about him and he discovers more about me. It's kinda like a never ending get to know you game. I always loved those games. He also gives me a newfound courage. Like in the school play when they asked if I would be a participant in the play? I totally said YEAH. Also I told them I was an amateur rapper. What of it.

My little brother is one of my very best friends. I am going to miss him SO much when I move away. I wish I would stop thinking about moving

Also, my good friend Keith asked me to Mormon Formal last Sunday. He blasted Where is the Love? by the Black Eyed Peas in my driveway with MOFO spelled out on the driveway with candles. I loved it so much. I made him rap the song with me while my friend Hagen recorded it. Priceless. Oh, and we say MOFO because my grandma thought the acronym for Mormon Formal was MOFO. hahahahahahahahahaha I just went with it.

church dances

They are my love. Seriously the best stress reliever the world has to offer. I usually go with my good gal pal Alysha and occasionally my good guy pal Kai Jensen. Such good times to be had by all. I don't think anyone who saw me in my 4th period pre calc class would ever think the moves I pull were possible out of quiet little jen's body. That just goes to show how horribly unsocial difficult math makes me.

80's music

I am currently listening to the CD I made for Kevin full of 80s music. THE GREATEST.

my favorite of the moment you ask? Faith by George Michael

I sang it the entire practice today and I'm pretty sure everyone got annoyed. Deal with it suckers.

poetry

I never was a huge fan of poetry. I liked it but never really felt like I could write it. Until this year in English. We did a section on poetry and it was the best. I wrote several poems and read them to my class. Quite an empowering experience. I realized that I have a little talent in writing. I know that I have always enjoyed writing but poetry is a beautiful outlet that I love. No need to write full sentences or explain what you mean you just write. I like that.

reading

I am reading Franny and Zooey and the Uglies. Both good. Both interesting. Both read instead of focusing in class. sorry teachers

xo

jennifer

thoughts

I need to get some things off my mind. I think a lot and I think deeply. Which is good, yet also bad. (Mostly good). I am a teenage girl so I believe inherently built into my emotions is a strong desire to feel loved. Specifically by a beautiful boy who can't help but flirt with me. And that hasn't really ever happened for me. I mean it has a little bit here and there but never the way I imagine. I have felt alone and like something is wrong with me. But listen up because I am going to give some advice. Most of you are thinking this gal has never even had a boyfriend so what does she know, but just listen will ya?

This is the time to try new things, see the world, meet people, and just LIVE. So quit worrying. Quit wondering. Quit stressing. Find your passion. Discover something you love deeply. Something you think about, dream about, and talk about. Pursue that passion. Then find someone who has a passion as well. That is a love that will last. But don't do it out of order. Don't think so much about boys and love that you lose your chance to achieve all you dream of. Take the opportunities that come to you and love them. Bad or good. Maybe one day when you are selling artwork in a flea market and completely stressing over whether or not you will make enough money to pay rent you will meet a boy who sees your passion and loves it. Maybe he will love YOU. And maybe he can't help but flirt with you. Suddenly all your teenage dreams will come true. But how would you ever know if you didn't spend time doing what you love. People like people who care. So don't pretend you don't want to do things in life. JUST DO THEM.

Maybe I just ranted and partially lectured myself but sometimes that is true. In Anne Sexton's version of Red Riding Hood when she speaks so powerfully on deceivers in society, she openly admits she is one of them. So maybe the most intelligent people in life are the ones who have been through the hard times. Let that be a lesson to us all.

Goodnight, friends.

xo
Jennifer

HEY

Hey friends. I have missed you dearly.
I don't think anyone reads this. I wish someone did. That would be s'cool. Anyways, long time no blog. Basically I have been SO BUSY. I go to school, track, work and repeat it the next day. Stressful and chaotic. But hey I would prefer busy than bored. I am really trying to assess my life. Really trying. I'm obviously not succeeding considering I have finals tomorrow and I literally have watched netflix for three hours straight. JUDGE ME.

So lemme tell you 'bout this weekend.

My mother is having separation anxiety with me I guess and decided we needed more family time. Thus, ma, pa, brandon, and me ventured down to Corona Del Mar to go cliff jumping off this huge rock in the ocean. We were stoked about it. We parked and hiked for forever a little while until we found the rock. Brandon and I suited up with his GoPro in hand and scaled it and jumped off several times. SO rad. Then we (luckily) met some cool kid who could unlock the private access stairs so we could get back to PCH where me and brandon long boarded back to the car. 

I love California. I will miss it so very much when I move to Utah. And maybe I will get out there and realize that the ocean means everything to me. I just don't even know.

All I know is that I can never stop traveling. Never.

So we are in a drought. Can you tell by the endless talk of beach adventures & pool time when it is in fact JANUARY? Yeah I don't really mind. (quit worrying I am still praying for rain like I'm being told I am just enjoying this weather while I have it cuz YOLO) 

Well that is all for now! Tomorrow I think I'm going back to Corona Del Mar to jump again hehehe.

xx
jennifer

p.s. does anyone wanna tell me how to make my blog cool looking and not lame?! if so, help a homie out and tell me.