I LOVE CALIFORNIA
I came home to sunny Seal Beach, California and I almost was in tears. California is my love. It is where I grew up, lived life, explored with friends, explored alone, cherished, and completely fell in love with. I live in a city that still has the original main street along the beach. It has cute shops and good food. We have warm weather and a nice house. Good lighting in all the rooms and a sense of home. A sense of love. I am not explaining myself well because I don't know how to explain it. I am in love with everything about where I was born and raised. This place is special. It is unlike anywhere else. If you are blessed enough to live somewhere like this, stay there. I want to raise a family in California. We can have a cabin in the cold and go there sometimes but California is where I need to be. It is where I THRIVE.
I drove the streets I know so well in the little silver car I know so well. His name is Alexander. He dies when he idles and is about the size of an oversized go-cart. I love him though. I listened to my classic Ramones tapes I left; they are my fav. Good tunes.
Today I went to Balboa Island and the Ruby's Shake Shack. I walked the places I know so well and drove along PCH past the beaches I know like the back of my hand. Poppy & MacArthur. Balboa & Pelican Point. They come and go like memories from younger days. Sometimes coming home makes people miss where they live, but for me it made me want to stay home. I don't want to go back. I don't want the responsibilities and expectations that come with being the student athlete I am. I want to be a designated explorer. A girl who does only what she loves and can get a set income for just that. I want a life of freedom and adventure with just enough academic challenge to keep me interested. Is that possible? Can people have what they want while doing what they want? In these days, I just don't think it happens. So lets change something. Lets start doing what we love and not worrying about the consequences. Lets live in the warmth and go to the beach until we find something better.
WHY NOT
Friday, December 26, 2014
maybe
maybe I will change
maybe I will forget
maybe I will get lost
maybe I will mess up
maybe I will suck
maybe I will be wrong
maybe I will cry
maybe I will lose him
Sunday, December 14, 2014
a great love
I feel inspired by people.
When I moved here I lost a little bit of my inspiration through the human population. I thought Provo was the worst place for me; it didn't match my need for diversity. My never-ending desire to see things different and unique and beautiful. California is the best for that reason. It satisfies my need for cool things to do on the weekend and cool artistic people to share them with. Here I felt trapped. Trapped by the religious norms that suffocated the styles, mannerisms, interests, and even thoughts of those within them. I love my religion. It is what has shaped who I am and I will never waver from it. However, some people misunderstand it. They don't understand that because you are given guidelines it doesn't mean you can't be unique and different from everyone else under those guidelines.
BE FREAKING YOU.
Don't even lie to me and say you don't listen to music by Childish Gambino because it is trash. Have you ever read his lyrics?! He is genius. He is confident in himself and his abilities. He is in charge of his life.
Back to people. I have met some of the greatest people on Earth in the past few months. People who have made me love Provo. Who have made me love Alpine. Who are strong in the Church, who love God, who are striving to be their best self, who are creative and passionate. I love these people.
K is my favorite. He is my boy. I always search for a "great love". That's what I call it. It just means a love that will last, that is real, and that is GREAT. No one settling because it is easy, no constant fighting that never is resolved, no hesitation before "I love you". I don't easily commit because of the great love syndrome. No one is right. I don't want to hurt anyone because what if I realize they are not the great love and I have to leave? What then? But K wasn't like that. K is the great love. K is the boy I wake up in the morning thinking about and go to sleep dreaming about. He is the boy who can make me feel like I am the prettiest girl in the world. He is the boy who is making me cry right this instant because of the feelings I have for him. He is the one making me have to revert to my ability to type without looking because my eyes are too cloudy from tears right now. He is the kind of boy who picks you up with a whole tea party set up in the back of his red subaru. He blindfolded me so I wouldn't see the surprise because he knows how I love those. We kissed the second time hanging out; said I love you the third. It was the greatest month of my life. He is serving now in Arizona. How he has always wanted to. He is happy and so am I. I still cry. But I am happy. K is my boy and I am his girl so I have to be happy. He is my great love.
E is my next favorite. She is K's friend. I am so happy we met. We are like peas and carrots. K used to say that a lot. I love her. We talk every day about unicorns and love and people. We disco on the weekends. We are one in the same. I prayed for a friend like her. When my heart was broken and I felt hurt by the world I wanted someone like her. She came and made me a better person; she inspired me. I love people who challenge me. People who think I am cool and make me strive everyday to live up to that. I am so happy she is happy. I am so happy she can comfort me on days that I feel sad. On days when everyone is skating with their love and mine isn't there. On days when I feel stressed and miss having K around to take care of me and make me hot chocolate. E is a girl who underestimates her strength. She is powerful. She is real. Fancy bracelet and all.
Then there are others. People like Z & N. They like me and make me feel like I belong. Like I can hang with them and they can hang with me. Like real friends who care. I needed people like that. Everyone needs people like that. They make things better and happier.
Things are good here for Jen. I like when people call me Jen.
When K picked me up he drove around yelling Jen until I found him. So Jen is nice to me. It feels like home.
much love to my people
jen
IM WINNIN SO THEY HAD TO THROW THE GATORADE
When I moved here I lost a little bit of my inspiration through the human population. I thought Provo was the worst place for me; it didn't match my need for diversity. My never-ending desire to see things different and unique and beautiful. California is the best for that reason. It satisfies my need for cool things to do on the weekend and cool artistic people to share them with. Here I felt trapped. Trapped by the religious norms that suffocated the styles, mannerisms, interests, and even thoughts of those within them. I love my religion. It is what has shaped who I am and I will never waver from it. However, some people misunderstand it. They don't understand that because you are given guidelines it doesn't mean you can't be unique and different from everyone else under those guidelines.
BE FREAKING YOU.
Don't even lie to me and say you don't listen to music by Childish Gambino because it is trash. Have you ever read his lyrics?! He is genius. He is confident in himself and his abilities. He is in charge of his life.
Back to people. I have met some of the greatest people on Earth in the past few months. People who have made me love Provo. Who have made me love Alpine. Who are strong in the Church, who love God, who are striving to be their best self, who are creative and passionate. I love these people.
K is my favorite. He is my boy. I always search for a "great love". That's what I call it. It just means a love that will last, that is real, and that is GREAT. No one settling because it is easy, no constant fighting that never is resolved, no hesitation before "I love you". I don't easily commit because of the great love syndrome. No one is right. I don't want to hurt anyone because what if I realize they are not the great love and I have to leave? What then? But K wasn't like that. K is the great love. K is the boy I wake up in the morning thinking about and go to sleep dreaming about. He is the boy who can make me feel like I am the prettiest girl in the world. He is the boy who is making me cry right this instant because of the feelings I have for him. He is the one making me have to revert to my ability to type without looking because my eyes are too cloudy from tears right now. He is the kind of boy who picks you up with a whole tea party set up in the back of his red subaru. He blindfolded me so I wouldn't see the surprise because he knows how I love those. We kissed the second time hanging out; said I love you the third. It was the greatest month of my life. He is serving now in Arizona. How he has always wanted to. He is happy and so am I. I still cry. But I am happy. K is my boy and I am his girl so I have to be happy. He is my great love.
E is my next favorite. She is K's friend. I am so happy we met. We are like peas and carrots. K used to say that a lot. I love her. We talk every day about unicorns and love and people. We disco on the weekends. We are one in the same. I prayed for a friend like her. When my heart was broken and I felt hurt by the world I wanted someone like her. She came and made me a better person; she inspired me. I love people who challenge me. People who think I am cool and make me strive everyday to live up to that. I am so happy she is happy. I am so happy she can comfort me on days that I feel sad. On days when everyone is skating with their love and mine isn't there. On days when I feel stressed and miss having K around to take care of me and make me hot chocolate. E is a girl who underestimates her strength. She is powerful. She is real. Fancy bracelet and all.
Then there are others. People like Z & N. They like me and make me feel like I belong. Like I can hang with them and they can hang with me. Like real friends who care. I needed people like that. Everyone needs people like that. They make things better and happier.
Things are good here for Jen. I like when people call me Jen.
When K picked me up he drove around yelling Jen until I found him. So Jen is nice to me. It feels like home.
much love to my people
jen
IM WINNIN SO THEY HAD TO THROW THE GATORADE
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