plinko

Suffocated by the lack of knowledge. Actually SUFFOCATED. It's just physical exertion. That's all it is. So why is it so hard for me to wrap my mind around quitting. Why would that be so hard?? Because it is more than that. It is so much more!! It is friends and accomplishment. Crying and cheering. It is flights across America and my heart beating through my chest. It is love and pain. It is everything I have focused on for the past 6 years of my life. How do you just drop that?! How do I just give up? How do I not look like a coward!? How do I move on without the people I have grown to love so much.

I don't know. 

I have been trying so hard to be in touch. I have felt so distant from God and know that me being close to him is NECESSARY. In times of decision making and not. He has to know that I am 100% willing to do whatever he tells me to. And that is terrifying. I know that he knows me better than I know myself. So whatever he says I must do. I MUST. I just really wish it were easier to see the future. I need some comfort. I need some love. 

Speaking of love, it is so real. It is SO REAL. I have only been in love once, but it was wonderful. It was peaceful and full of charity and service. He was right about that. He said "charity and service are so important in any relationship". Also he said that whoever you marry, they have to be happy with or without you. That is so true. You have to know who you are as a person before you thrust that upon someone else. Be optimistic and proud of who you are and the life you live. BE HAPPY. 

Sometimes it is hard. You are tempted; slammed with negativity and it grabs your heart and scares you. I know the feeling better than anyone else. I have had days so dark I thought the walls around me would close in and I would be lost in my own sorrow. Days where I didn't know if I could ever have a family or if I could ever find true happiness. But there is a light. It NEVER dims. It never flickers. It never goes away. It is there forever and always to guide us through the pain and torment. 

I am going to have a beautiful family. I am going to marry someone who loves me and loves God. I am going to teach my children the key to success and happiness in life. I am going to thrive in a career I love so much. I am going to pursue my dreams and attain my goals. I am going to let Heavenly Father lead my life. I will be willing to do whatever he asks of me. 

Because that is the right thing to do.