from the perfect start to the finish line

& if you're still breathing you're the lucky ones
cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs
setting fire to our insides for fun
collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

Feeling in control but terribly controlled. Like it is some type of brainwash. Taking precedence over everything I know and love. Everything I BELIEVE in. How do you win?? You believe more. You pray more. You gain power. Strength. Ability to win.

I couldn't sleep because I was worried. Endlessly thinking of scenarios and worrying. Happy Birthday right? But it worked itself out. It always does.

Lead climbing an 11a. My first time ever leading. My second time ever climbing. Holding on by centimeters and shaking with adrenaline and weakness. Rising above!! LITERALLY! Pure and complete strength pulling up to the next bolt. Challenged and questioned, but ultimately successful.

I wrote him a letter about the love I have. The love I have always had. The love that compels me to be stronger and better. For him and for myself. The cutest cacti I ever did see and a turquoise necklace that tells a story. He loves to pack goodies up for me. I love thinking of him meticulously perfecting letters and packages and sending them for me to receive. I never stopped caring about him. I never could.

he's too good

Arms of a Woman and pretzel crisps dipped in peanut butter

supply and demand curves

interviews with target

the best and worst of my personality

I'll be yours and you'll be (lay with me, I'll lay with you)

We talked until 1 am about success, failure, mistakes, and accomplishments. Proud of each other and encouraged by the future. She is better than I, but we both know my time will come. We have so much to look forward to. Love in Berlin and Love in Tuscan. There are times when I wonder if I will do what I dream about. He wrote me a letter about his belief in my abilities. Said that if I work hard I can run my own boutique. I can sell my artwork and be successful in the best way possible. I trust his confidence in me. I trust MY confidence.

I look at my work. My creations with my own two hands. A pile of clay spun and molded into beauty. Pure and complete beauty. A tangible beauty. Something that you don't have to explain, it just makes sense. You hold it in your hands; let it shatter on the floor. Cry tears for a lost creation. He cries when he loses us. He cries when we feel shattered or broken on the floor. There are times when we feel tattered, damaged, and misunderstood. He cries with us and rejoices with us when we throw a new creation better than the previous. A gorgeous and delicate porcelain piece.

a testament of endurance

space

Tears running down my face as my grandfather gave me a blessing on the first day of school. Grandma handed me fresh peaches as I ran out the door with puffy eyes to make it to Interior Design. That's when I knew it was over. The track meets in Arizona, the crushes on teammates, the constant roller coaster of getting my body in top shape, representing BYU across the nation, the slow motion videos of training running over and over in my mind. I'm going to miss it. I already do. But I have to take a year off. I have to. I need to have some freedom in my life for the first time in a long time. 

This year is my year to socialize. My roommates are extensions of my personality in various forms. My BFFS for real. I am going to meet new people and make new friends and just freaking live my life. I am not going to have to practice 20 hours a week or skip church for the 700th time because of meets. It will just be refreshing. 

IM FEELING REFRESHED.

I have time to come home and cook myself lunch and dinner. Time to make whatever I want without any time constraints. I have time to complete all the assigned readings. I have time to get a full 9 hours of sleep if I feel like it. I have time to think and to write letters. Time to nurture relationships and make the best of my situation. 

I had time to think, so I thought about him. I thought about how much I was struggling when what I needed was right in front of me. He loved me unconditionally. He still does. We had the best of times together and it was beautiful and caring. It was a mutual relationship. One where we both wanted to better one another. But he always was kinder, more thoughtful to me. He would do anything for me. I loved the places we went and things we did. Midway. Ensign Peak. Park City. Velour. Alpine. Classic Skate.

But for now I am going to meet new people, go on more dates, write more of my emotions, be a better friend, develop my talents, and give myself some much needed space. 

THIS YEAR IS ABOUT SPACE.