I've been laughing a lot and crying a lot too. If there were a sentence to define my life clearly, it would be that one. I'm emotionally attached. I always have been. When someone comes into my life and I decide to give them my time and care, I'm loyal. Locked in so to speak. For better or for worse.
It took more than I expected to get over things. I thought that I would move on and that it would be simple and straightforward. I assumed that I wouldn't miss the little things. The tennis on saturday mornings, homework with sharpie pens, games on sunday nights, piggyback rides back to my apartment, drives together with john mayer and lany, sitting that way we did so that we could talk about important topics, excel finance spreadsheets, crepes and waffles, laughing and joking. All of it.
But the truth is, I had never loved like that before. It was a big love. I would have done anything; I cared so so so much.
There comes a time though, when caring doesn't mean being together. Sometimes it doesn't even mean talking. I still care. I care a lot. I loved so deeply that it made it hard to stop.
but here I am out of love
I still think about the times that we had--of course I do. It's just less frequent, less connected, more distant. Which is good for me. I didn't want to let go of it. In fact for three whole months I held on as tight as I could to any contact that we had because it felt safe and promising and dang it I wanted things back.
not anymore
I have opportunities and experiences to look forward. Running past windmills in Europe and studying Huntington's Disease in Chicago. Dating new people and making new friends.
I dream of sitting on the grass hill by the HBLL and not being just friends. Maybe that's what I can look forward to?? I guess time will tell.
time heals everything
For now I'll quote kyle videos and embroider patches and study chronic diseases and trust that developing myself and my talents will launch me into my next adventure.
