cryselle

I've been laughing a lot and crying a lot too. If there were a sentence to define my life clearly, it would be that one. I'm emotionally attached. I always have been. When someone comes into my life and I decide to give them my time and care, I'm loyal. Locked in so to speak. For better or for worse.

It took more than I expected to get over things. I thought that I would move on and that it would be simple and straightforward. I assumed that I wouldn't miss the little things. The tennis on saturday mornings, homework with sharpie pens, games on sunday nights, piggyback rides back to my apartment, drives together with john mayer and lany, sitting that way we did so that we could talk about important topics, excel finance spreadsheets, crepes and waffles, laughing and joking. All of it.

But the truth is, I had never loved like that before. It was a big love. I would have done anything; I cared so so so much.

There comes a time though, when caring doesn't mean being together. Sometimes it doesn't even mean talking. I still care. I care a lot. I loved so deeply that it made it hard to stop. 

but here I am out of love 

I still think about the times that we had--of course I do. It's just less frequent, less connected, more distant. Which is good for me. I didn't want to let go of it. In fact for three whole months I held on as tight as I could to any contact that we had because it felt safe and promising and dang it I wanted things back.

not anymore

I have opportunities and experiences to look forward. Running past windmills in Europe and studying Huntington's Disease in Chicago. Dating new people and making new friends.

I dream of sitting on the grass hill by the HBLL and not being just friends. Maybe that's what I can look forward to?? I guess time will tell.

time heals everything

For now I'll quote kyle videos and embroider patches and study chronic diseases and trust that developing myself and my talents will launch me into my next adventure.

stay gold

Thinking again. Analyzing, really.

Been learning a lot in my health classes about empowerment, security, opportunity and their importance to our health. That is quite the novel concept. Truly LIVING our lives brings about good health. Taking control lowers our chances of cardiovascular disease. Our bodies crave being in control and taking opportunities in life head on with confidence.

that rings so true to me

I'm in a phase in my life where I am weighing my options. Medical School, Health Administration, Public Health, Public Administration?? Something else?? I've been learning and growing and feel such a fire in me to keep going. Like a masters degree feels nice. It feels secure and intelligent and intriguing, honestly. With all the changes lately I've had time to reflect and realize that I am valuable to the world. I have so much to offer and I am going to be able to have a contribution to the health world in whatever I end up doing.

I've been missing someone who used to be close to me

But the truth is. I deserve to feel really and truly loved. I deserve to have someone who is loyal to me and someone who will stay by my side with the knowledge that I'm the one. If someone can't give me that, they really are not worth my time.

I thought today about that night that he brought me flowers and we went to the drive thru at chick fil a to get a shake. We sang Home together and cried and laughed and hugged and kissed because we realized how much we loved each other. Things didn't end up working out. And part of me feels upset that things can be so good and then end up so bad. But the truth is, the good times can stay good times. They can always be happy days even if things end. I will forever remember the way my heart felt in that drive thru even if we never see each other again.

So here's too feeling how you feel and never being ashamed of it, right?

I don't understand why we are required to act like nothing ever hurts and like we never actually cared. What if we did care a lot? And what if we did get hurt? Why can't we let people see that?? 

here's to being emotional and caring and vulnerable but still being freaking tough

K2

My brain has been going nonstop for what seems like a month now. 

I've had a lot happen. Life starts to go into slow motion when hardships hit and that has been the case with me lately. I've had plenty of time to reflect on my life, my attitude, my aspirations, and most of all, how I am going to handle it all. 

There was a time when everything felt carefree and easy. I was in love. So in love. I really still am. 

Everything felt smooth and natural. It felt like I had found it. Like I had found what I was looking for and what would be something I could count on to trust and expect.

But things changed. That's not how things are right now. They probably will never be that way again, at least how it once was. I hope and pray secretly that they will be. 

But that's not up to me.

but this is what's up to ME

I make the decision on how I live. I make the decision on the joy and excitement I feel for life regardless of what happens to me and regardless of how hurt I feel by others.

Let me visualize what I'm talking about. 

A few days before Thanksgiving in 2015 I went skiing for the first time in a very, very long time. I had never taken my skills beyond the bunny hill so this was a big learning day for me.

I had good teachers and I started to get the hang of things. But really, I just barely had the hang of things.

That day I decided that I LOVED skiing. It was so exhilarating and I so badly wanted to get faster and faster and just shred the mountain listening to good music with no inhibitions. 

So here's what I did. The day after Thanksgiving everyone was gone but I decided that I wanted to waste no time in growing my talent, so I went. I skiied all by myself the day after learning how to ski in the first place. To add to that scenario, I also used my mom's K2 skis from the 80s that were completely rusted over on the edges. I was alone, new to skiing, and using (in all honesty) terrible gear.

But I wanted to freaking ski!!

And isn't that all that matters??!

That's how we should live life. That's how I want to live my life everyday.

Did I fall a ton that day and feel embarrassed that I really didn't know what I was doing??

OF COURSE. 

But I took life head-on and took the opportunity without hesitation.

Lately I have been realizing everyday that I want that courage with me always. I want to have that relentless and undying determination to have the things that are important to me in life.

This summer I am going on a study abroad in Europe and I am looking forward to a lot with my major in Public Health. I am going try my hardest to utilize this newfound grit and bravery in those aspects. 

life is truly what you make it

so let's make it rock??

junior jen

I've been thinking a lot. Overthinking, really.

But I've been growing too. Feeling okay. Feeling better.

Today I wrote a grocery list and realized I haven't been eating very good meals lately. Lots of Del Taco and sugar cookies with the sprinkles on top. I have been completely preoccupied with life. The constant flow of school, work, social life, and church.

But today I took a moment to stop and reflect. I have tried so hard to be independent, strong, and capable. I pay my way mostly and am a junior in college. I work 25 hours a week and went to my dentist appointment this morning. But I'm 19. I'm almost 20, but I'm so young. I have forgotten a lot about what life was like in California now that I have been in Utah. But today I remembered.

I remember going every day to the all of the neighbors with kids and asking if they could play two hand touch football in the street. We played sewer to sewer and ate italian ices and voted MVPs afterwards.

When it got dark I went in for dinner and then played school with my imaginary students until it was time for bed. I named myself Mrs. Shirley because of course I would have a new last name if I was a real teacher. (I thought of everything).

I remember being in the school play in 4th and 5th grade and secretly wanted a big part but always being too shy to get it.

I remember singing a duet at my baptism and feeling so clean and pure.

I remember playing soccer and playing hard. I remember loving the way it felt to run as hard as I possibly could to the ball and to fight for the win. It made me feel empowered and strong.

I remember playing intramural football in middle school and being the only girl. I would eat my lunch as fast as possible and run out to the fields. I remember I got my turquoise vans covered in mud one game when I was running to make a catch. I kept playing but secretly almost cried because (dang it) I liked those shoes.

I remember going home on the bus because I didn't want to go to science club anymore.

I remember playing on the bars in elementary school until both my hands were callused over.

I remember when I wore pink sparkly high top air walks with leg warmers and a windbreaker from the thrift store that was covered in fish.

I remember tryouts my freshman year of high school for the track team. I ran the fasted 300 out of everyone. I would run with my hair down because I liked the way it felt. A frizzy curly mess trailing me always.

I remember my junior year track season when almost every meet ended in tears because I felt I couldn't match up. I remember feeling like my track talent determined my worth.

I remember when I first noticed that my dad was different. When I noticed that his muscles twitched a lot. When I noticed that he was really, really upset about seemingly nothing. When I noticed that he was skinnier than he used to be and seemed to trip more than usual.

I remember when I ate lunch in the ceramics room because it was the place I felt most safe at school.

I remember when I threw in porcelain for the first time. I remember how special and beautiful and delicate it felt.

I remember when I quit the track team at BYU and gave up a big part of me.

The truth is, there are a lot of goodbyes we have to say in our lives. That is an essential and inevitable part of life. But as I look back, every time I said goodbye or went through a painful time, good things followed.

I said goodbye to someone I really care about recently. It hurt. It still hurts. But I am strong.

I am capable

I have realized that the key is to just keep trusting. I trust in God. I trust in his timing and his plan for me. I know that I have to move forward in faith.

But there is only forward, no other way

I have been focusing on things that I am grateful for and things that make me happy.

the changing leaves

long chats with friends

good meals

sewing patches

listening to "Dancing in the Moonlight"

driving the Alpine Loop

dreaming of skiing

going to church


I know things will be different in a few months. They will be different in a few years. And isn't that the beauty of it??

I am in a time where things are changing and growing and developing in ways that I don't even know yet. It is time when I can choose things for myself. A time when I can go on a study abroad to Europe and a time when I can go camping with friends on my birthday.

This is a time I'm excited for.

THIS IS MY TIME

love on the weekend

It's always harder to write when things are good.

Why is that?? We always thrive on literature that depicts a dark and dreary existence. But the truth is, I'm doing so great! Life is great!

We got together Friday after work and made the drive to Meadow with Mike Snow and Empire of the Sun playing in the background. He patted me on the back and said he liked me. It felt so genuine. He is married and everything, but he still thought I was a cool person. That is the highest compliment to me. For people to genuinely accept and appreciate who I am. Such an honor. I joked back and forth with the gas station worker. She was so funny and caring. It makes me sad she has to work at a gas station with such a warm personality. But I guess I am also grateful that she does so my experience at that gas station could be nice and friendly. 

We made it to the hot pots and I whipped on my suit and jumped in. It was so pleasant. I quite adore a warm dip. I sunk to the bottom with friends and popped my ears a hundred times. That place is the best. As my fingers and toes pruned up we laughed and joked together over stories and experiences we shared. They all left at around midnight, but we stayed a little longer and then headed up to the lava rocks to camp out and sleep in the cold, crisp air. 

He set up my sleeping pad and gave me the warmest sleeping bag. Such a sweet boy. They are both so sweet. I slept in between them in the biggest sleeping bag I had ever seen. It was so wonderful. Best sleep I have ever had while camping. Poor boy was cold all night and the other saw a cougar, but I was warm and comfy. 

We drove back home together and then went to Brasas for some quality tacos before I went back home and slept for a few hours. I was all zonked out. Also, sick. In fact, I lost my voice quite terribly on the trip, but they all still liked me the same. I just occasionally made overly raspy comments that nobody could quite hear. They nodded and smiled like they understood most of the time and that was enough. Hahahaha I don't know if they actually couldn't hear me. I hope they could. 

Anyways, next thing you know we were eating thanksgiving food at BYU and talking about how grateful we are for hot water and snow. We laughed and talked. We always laugh when we are together. That is so important! Then I mentioned classic skating and we all got excited and another plan was made! 

Classic skating was the best thing ever! I saw my original skating pals and then brought my new pals to get down on the rink. They were the best skaters I had ever seen (of course) and I was getting pretty groovy as well! We danced together and smiled and made eye contact. The kind that makes you a little giddy and you keep thinking about it after your eyes depart from each other. 

Then we got cinnamon bread at Wal-Mart for our new tradition of french toast after church. I love that tradition. It reminds me of home and makes me quite happy. 

We all made french toast together that morning and laughed again (we always do). We watched a ski movie and he bought his ski pass. Hahaha so funny. He is so funny. I want a ski pass probably more than anything else. I will probably get one. Why not ya know? 

why not?!

Then we had a wonderful dinner with steak and scallops and ended with vespa rides and deer sightings. But there was more! We went up to the cabin and had hot chocolate, talked, and expressed opinions on difficult things in the world. About hardships and relationships. I had a cough so I couldn't talk much, but I appreciated the discussion we held. I love them all. I really do. 

Sometimes you meet people and you know they are so pure. Those boys have such pure intentions and just want to have a good ole time. We need more people like that in the world. People who want to make and keep friends. People who are not driven by lust. 

lust is not an acceptable motive

Find people who have beautiful souls and want the best for you and themselves. Find people who are driven and confident. People who will love you for YOU. 

This was one of the greatest weekends of my life and that was because I was surrounded by people I love doing things I love. 

The key to happiness is love!

lodge 68

& it feels so classic

you and me, just magic


They are the ones I prayed for. The ones I longed for. Hoping someday I could introduce them as my friends and smile to myself because they are just so dang cool. I replay all of our conversations in my head and giggle with pure happiness. It's love!! That's love.

We sang together to the ukulele and it was beautiful. There were high notes and my creaky voice couldn't hit all of them, but I smiled and kept going. It was so pure. Looking around at a room of people I LOVE and watch lips moving and music flowing.

maybe I think you're cute and funny

I wish I could express the joy I feel in good company. It just feels safe and warm and special. That's what I think heaven will be. Good company, good conversation, and good evenings. God is so good you guys. He really knows what we righteously desire and waits until he knows we need it to give it to us. I have been so blessed in my life. All of my posts end up taking a spiritual turn, but GUYS. The spirit is so good. I am so grateful for the gospel!

He wrote me a letter from Tokyo. Talked about thinking and growing. We have grown up across the world, but he still remembers the things I did in sixth grade. I remember borrowing his Japanese pencils because they were so cool and fun to play with. He taught me how to twirl the pencil around my finger during math class with Mrs. Mock. She made us have our desk partner check that we wrote down our homework. My sixth grade self thought it was terribly sad that she didn't trust me.

Been climbing more rocks lately. It is awfully hard, but so rewarding. I miss competing sometimes so this gives me an outlet. I miss the rush of adrenaline from hurling myself through the air into a sand pit. How do we get so obsessed with such useless activities?? But they aren't useless. They are useful for the soul. Far more useful than the classes I trudge through and the tasks I complete at work. They give me confidence and purpose. Things to improve on and goals to work towards.

Renewing my passport this week & gearing up for a grand adventure. I want to have something to say about my life when I talk to my posterity. Not that I missed opportunities and gave up chances. This life is about TAKING CHANCES.

So here's to new friends and new experiences!

from the perfect start to the finish line

& if you're still breathing you're the lucky ones
cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs
setting fire to our insides for fun
collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

Feeling in control but terribly controlled. Like it is some type of brainwash. Taking precedence over everything I know and love. Everything I BELIEVE in. How do you win?? You believe more. You pray more. You gain power. Strength. Ability to win.

I couldn't sleep because I was worried. Endlessly thinking of scenarios and worrying. Happy Birthday right? But it worked itself out. It always does.

Lead climbing an 11a. My first time ever leading. My second time ever climbing. Holding on by centimeters and shaking with adrenaline and weakness. Rising above!! LITERALLY! Pure and complete strength pulling up to the next bolt. Challenged and questioned, but ultimately successful.

I wrote him a letter about the love I have. The love I have always had. The love that compels me to be stronger and better. For him and for myself. The cutest cacti I ever did see and a turquoise necklace that tells a story. He loves to pack goodies up for me. I love thinking of him meticulously perfecting letters and packages and sending them for me to receive. I never stopped caring about him. I never could.

he's too good

Arms of a Woman and pretzel crisps dipped in peanut butter

supply and demand curves

interviews with target

the best and worst of my personality

I'll be yours and you'll be (lay with me, I'll lay with you)

We talked until 1 am about success, failure, mistakes, and accomplishments. Proud of each other and encouraged by the future. She is better than I, but we both know my time will come. We have so much to look forward to. Love in Berlin and Love in Tuscan. There are times when I wonder if I will do what I dream about. He wrote me a letter about his belief in my abilities. Said that if I work hard I can run my own boutique. I can sell my artwork and be successful in the best way possible. I trust his confidence in me. I trust MY confidence.

I look at my work. My creations with my own two hands. A pile of clay spun and molded into beauty. Pure and complete beauty. A tangible beauty. Something that you don't have to explain, it just makes sense. You hold it in your hands; let it shatter on the floor. Cry tears for a lost creation. He cries when he loses us. He cries when we feel shattered or broken on the floor. There are times when we feel tattered, damaged, and misunderstood. He cries with us and rejoices with us when we throw a new creation better than the previous. A gorgeous and delicate porcelain piece.

a testament of endurance