junior jen

I've been thinking a lot. Overthinking, really.

But I've been growing too. Feeling okay. Feeling better.

Today I wrote a grocery list and realized I haven't been eating very good meals lately. Lots of Del Taco and sugar cookies with the sprinkles on top. I have been completely preoccupied with life. The constant flow of school, work, social life, and church.

But today I took a moment to stop and reflect. I have tried so hard to be independent, strong, and capable. I pay my way mostly and am a junior in college. I work 25 hours a week and went to my dentist appointment this morning. But I'm 19. I'm almost 20, but I'm so young. I have forgotten a lot about what life was like in California now that I have been in Utah. But today I remembered.

I remember going every day to the all of the neighbors with kids and asking if they could play two hand touch football in the street. We played sewer to sewer and ate italian ices and voted MVPs afterwards.

When it got dark I went in for dinner and then played school with my imaginary students until it was time for bed. I named myself Mrs. Shirley because of course I would have a new last name if I was a real teacher. (I thought of everything).

I remember being in the school play in 4th and 5th grade and secretly wanted a big part but always being too shy to get it.

I remember singing a duet at my baptism and feeling so clean and pure.

I remember playing soccer and playing hard. I remember loving the way it felt to run as hard as I possibly could to the ball and to fight for the win. It made me feel empowered and strong.

I remember playing intramural football in middle school and being the only girl. I would eat my lunch as fast as possible and run out to the fields. I remember I got my turquoise vans covered in mud one game when I was running to make a catch. I kept playing but secretly almost cried because (dang it) I liked those shoes.

I remember going home on the bus because I didn't want to go to science club anymore.

I remember playing on the bars in elementary school until both my hands were callused over.

I remember when I wore pink sparkly high top air walks with leg warmers and a windbreaker from the thrift store that was covered in fish.

I remember tryouts my freshman year of high school for the track team. I ran the fasted 300 out of everyone. I would run with my hair down because I liked the way it felt. A frizzy curly mess trailing me always.

I remember my junior year track season when almost every meet ended in tears because I felt I couldn't match up. I remember feeling like my track talent determined my worth.

I remember when I first noticed that my dad was different. When I noticed that his muscles twitched a lot. When I noticed that he was really, really upset about seemingly nothing. When I noticed that he was skinnier than he used to be and seemed to trip more than usual.

I remember when I ate lunch in the ceramics room because it was the place I felt most safe at school.

I remember when I threw in porcelain for the first time. I remember how special and beautiful and delicate it felt.

I remember when I quit the track team at BYU and gave up a big part of me.

The truth is, there are a lot of goodbyes we have to say in our lives. That is an essential and inevitable part of life. But as I look back, every time I said goodbye or went through a painful time, good things followed.

I said goodbye to someone I really care about recently. It hurt. It still hurts. But I am strong.

I am capable

I have realized that the key is to just keep trusting. I trust in God. I trust in his timing and his plan for me. I know that I have to move forward in faith.

But there is only forward, no other way

I have been focusing on things that I am grateful for and things that make me happy.

the changing leaves

long chats with friends

good meals

sewing patches

listening to "Dancing in the Moonlight"

driving the Alpine Loop

dreaming of skiing

going to church


I know things will be different in a few months. They will be different in a few years. And isn't that the beauty of it??

I am in a time where things are changing and growing and developing in ways that I don't even know yet. It is time when I can choose things for myself. A time when I can go on a study abroad to Europe and a time when I can go camping with friends on my birthday.

This is a time I'm excited for.

THIS IS MY TIME