love on the weekend

It's always harder to write when things are good.

Why is that?? We always thrive on literature that depicts a dark and dreary existence. But the truth is, I'm doing so great! Life is great!

We got together Friday after work and made the drive to Meadow with Mike Snow and Empire of the Sun playing in the background. He patted me on the back and said he liked me. It felt so genuine. He is married and everything, but he still thought I was a cool person. That is the highest compliment to me. For people to genuinely accept and appreciate who I am. Such an honor. I joked back and forth with the gas station worker. She was so funny and caring. It makes me sad she has to work at a gas station with such a warm personality. But I guess I am also grateful that she does so my experience at that gas station could be nice and friendly. 

We made it to the hot pots and I whipped on my suit and jumped in. It was so pleasant. I quite adore a warm dip. I sunk to the bottom with friends and popped my ears a hundred times. That place is the best. As my fingers and toes pruned up we laughed and joked together over stories and experiences we shared. They all left at around midnight, but we stayed a little longer and then headed up to the lava rocks to camp out and sleep in the cold, crisp air. 

He set up my sleeping pad and gave me the warmest sleeping bag. Such a sweet boy. They are both so sweet. I slept in between them in the biggest sleeping bag I had ever seen. It was so wonderful. Best sleep I have ever had while camping. Poor boy was cold all night and the other saw a cougar, but I was warm and comfy. 

We drove back home together and then went to Brasas for some quality tacos before I went back home and slept for a few hours. I was all zonked out. Also, sick. In fact, I lost my voice quite terribly on the trip, but they all still liked me the same. I just occasionally made overly raspy comments that nobody could quite hear. They nodded and smiled like they understood most of the time and that was enough. Hahahaha I don't know if they actually couldn't hear me. I hope they could. 

Anyways, next thing you know we were eating thanksgiving food at BYU and talking about how grateful we are for hot water and snow. We laughed and talked. We always laugh when we are together. That is so important! Then I mentioned classic skating and we all got excited and another plan was made! 

Classic skating was the best thing ever! I saw my original skating pals and then brought my new pals to get down on the rink. They were the best skaters I had ever seen (of course) and I was getting pretty groovy as well! We danced together and smiled and made eye contact. The kind that makes you a little giddy and you keep thinking about it after your eyes depart from each other. 

Then we got cinnamon bread at Wal-Mart for our new tradition of french toast after church. I love that tradition. It reminds me of home and makes me quite happy. 

We all made french toast together that morning and laughed again (we always do). We watched a ski movie and he bought his ski pass. Hahaha so funny. He is so funny. I want a ski pass probably more than anything else. I will probably get one. Why not ya know? 

why not?!

Then we had a wonderful dinner with steak and scallops and ended with vespa rides and deer sightings. But there was more! We went up to the cabin and had hot chocolate, talked, and expressed opinions on difficult things in the world. About hardships and relationships. I had a cough so I couldn't talk much, but I appreciated the discussion we held. I love them all. I really do. 

Sometimes you meet people and you know they are so pure. Those boys have such pure intentions and just want to have a good ole time. We need more people like that in the world. People who want to make and keep friends. People who are not driven by lust. 

lust is not an acceptable motive

Find people who have beautiful souls and want the best for you and themselves. Find people who are driven and confident. People who will love you for YOU. 

This was one of the greatest weekends of my life and that was because I was surrounded by people I love doing things I love. 

The key to happiness is love!

lodge 68

& it feels so classic

you and me, just magic


They are the ones I prayed for. The ones I longed for. Hoping someday I could introduce them as my friends and smile to myself because they are just so dang cool. I replay all of our conversations in my head and giggle with pure happiness. It's love!! That's love.

We sang together to the ukulele and it was beautiful. There were high notes and my creaky voice couldn't hit all of them, but I smiled and kept going. It was so pure. Looking around at a room of people I LOVE and watch lips moving and music flowing.

maybe I think you're cute and funny

I wish I could express the joy I feel in good company. It just feels safe and warm and special. That's what I think heaven will be. Good company, good conversation, and good evenings. God is so good you guys. He really knows what we righteously desire and waits until he knows we need it to give it to us. I have been so blessed in my life. All of my posts end up taking a spiritual turn, but GUYS. The spirit is so good. I am so grateful for the gospel!

He wrote me a letter from Tokyo. Talked about thinking and growing. We have grown up across the world, but he still remembers the things I did in sixth grade. I remember borrowing his Japanese pencils because they were so cool and fun to play with. He taught me how to twirl the pencil around my finger during math class with Mrs. Mock. She made us have our desk partner check that we wrote down our homework. My sixth grade self thought it was terribly sad that she didn't trust me.

Been climbing more rocks lately. It is awfully hard, but so rewarding. I miss competing sometimes so this gives me an outlet. I miss the rush of adrenaline from hurling myself through the air into a sand pit. How do we get so obsessed with such useless activities?? But they aren't useless. They are useful for the soul. Far more useful than the classes I trudge through and the tasks I complete at work. They give me confidence and purpose. Things to improve on and goals to work towards.

Renewing my passport this week & gearing up for a grand adventure. I want to have something to say about my life when I talk to my posterity. Not that I missed opportunities and gave up chances. This life is about TAKING CHANCES.

So here's to new friends and new experiences!

from the perfect start to the finish line

& if you're still breathing you're the lucky ones
cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs
setting fire to our insides for fun
collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

Feeling in control but terribly controlled. Like it is some type of brainwash. Taking precedence over everything I know and love. Everything I BELIEVE in. How do you win?? You believe more. You pray more. You gain power. Strength. Ability to win.

I couldn't sleep because I was worried. Endlessly thinking of scenarios and worrying. Happy Birthday right? But it worked itself out. It always does.

Lead climbing an 11a. My first time ever leading. My second time ever climbing. Holding on by centimeters and shaking with adrenaline and weakness. Rising above!! LITERALLY! Pure and complete strength pulling up to the next bolt. Challenged and questioned, but ultimately successful.

I wrote him a letter about the love I have. The love I have always had. The love that compels me to be stronger and better. For him and for myself. The cutest cacti I ever did see and a turquoise necklace that tells a story. He loves to pack goodies up for me. I love thinking of him meticulously perfecting letters and packages and sending them for me to receive. I never stopped caring about him. I never could.

he's too good

Arms of a Woman and pretzel crisps dipped in peanut butter

supply and demand curves

interviews with target

the best and worst of my personality

I'll be yours and you'll be (lay with me, I'll lay with you)

We talked until 1 am about success, failure, mistakes, and accomplishments. Proud of each other and encouraged by the future. She is better than I, but we both know my time will come. We have so much to look forward to. Love in Berlin and Love in Tuscan. There are times when I wonder if I will do what I dream about. He wrote me a letter about his belief in my abilities. Said that if I work hard I can run my own boutique. I can sell my artwork and be successful in the best way possible. I trust his confidence in me. I trust MY confidence.

I look at my work. My creations with my own two hands. A pile of clay spun and molded into beauty. Pure and complete beauty. A tangible beauty. Something that you don't have to explain, it just makes sense. You hold it in your hands; let it shatter on the floor. Cry tears for a lost creation. He cries when he loses us. He cries when we feel shattered or broken on the floor. There are times when we feel tattered, damaged, and misunderstood. He cries with us and rejoices with us when we throw a new creation better than the previous. A gorgeous and delicate porcelain piece.

a testament of endurance

space

Tears running down my face as my grandfather gave me a blessing on the first day of school. Grandma handed me fresh peaches as I ran out the door with puffy eyes to make it to Interior Design. That's when I knew it was over. The track meets in Arizona, the crushes on teammates, the constant roller coaster of getting my body in top shape, representing BYU across the nation, the slow motion videos of training running over and over in my mind. I'm going to miss it. I already do. But I have to take a year off. I have to. I need to have some freedom in my life for the first time in a long time. 

This year is my year to socialize. My roommates are extensions of my personality in various forms. My BFFS for real. I am going to meet new people and make new friends and just freaking live my life. I am not going to have to practice 20 hours a week or skip church for the 700th time because of meets. It will just be refreshing. 

IM FEELING REFRESHED.

I have time to come home and cook myself lunch and dinner. Time to make whatever I want without any time constraints. I have time to complete all the assigned readings. I have time to get a full 9 hours of sleep if I feel like it. I have time to think and to write letters. Time to nurture relationships and make the best of my situation. 

I had time to think, so I thought about him. I thought about how much I was struggling when what I needed was right in front of me. He loved me unconditionally. He still does. We had the best of times together and it was beautiful and caring. It was a mutual relationship. One where we both wanted to better one another. But he always was kinder, more thoughtful to me. He would do anything for me. I loved the places we went and things we did. Midway. Ensign Peak. Park City. Velour. Alpine. Classic Skate.

But for now I am going to meet new people, go on more dates, write more of my emotions, be a better friend, develop my talents, and give myself some much needed space. 

THIS YEAR IS ABOUT SPACE.

plinko

Suffocated by the lack of knowledge. Actually SUFFOCATED. It's just physical exertion. That's all it is. So why is it so hard for me to wrap my mind around quitting. Why would that be so hard?? Because it is more than that. It is so much more!! It is friends and accomplishment. Crying and cheering. It is flights across America and my heart beating through my chest. It is love and pain. It is everything I have focused on for the past 6 years of my life. How do you just drop that?! How do I just give up? How do I not look like a coward!? How do I move on without the people I have grown to love so much.

I don't know. 

I have been trying so hard to be in touch. I have felt so distant from God and know that me being close to him is NECESSARY. In times of decision making and not. He has to know that I am 100% willing to do whatever he tells me to. And that is terrifying. I know that he knows me better than I know myself. So whatever he says I must do. I MUST. I just really wish it were easier to see the future. I need some comfort. I need some love. 

Speaking of love, it is so real. It is SO REAL. I have only been in love once, but it was wonderful. It was peaceful and full of charity and service. He was right about that. He said "charity and service are so important in any relationship". Also he said that whoever you marry, they have to be happy with or without you. That is so true. You have to know who you are as a person before you thrust that upon someone else. Be optimistic and proud of who you are and the life you live. BE HAPPY. 

Sometimes it is hard. You are tempted; slammed with negativity and it grabs your heart and scares you. I know the feeling better than anyone else. I have had days so dark I thought the walls around me would close in and I would be lost in my own sorrow. Days where I didn't know if I could ever have a family or if I could ever find true happiness. But there is a light. It NEVER dims. It never flickers. It never goes away. It is there forever and always to guide us through the pain and torment. 

I am going to have a beautiful family. I am going to marry someone who loves me and loves God. I am going to teach my children the key to success and happiness in life. I am going to thrive in a career I love so much. I am going to pursue my dreams and attain my goals. I am going to let Heavenly Father lead my life. I will be willing to do whatever he asks of me. 

Because that is the right thing to do.

youth lagoon

Honestly this goes out to you C. For inspiring me to write and never leave a day without reflection.

I'm grateful to live in a a day and age when sharing is so special. We share everything with each other. Sometimes too much, but at least we are doing it right? Spotify shares weekly discoveries that match my tastes and DANG do they match.

17 by Youth Lagoon

The emotion and nostalgic power of that song, SHEESH.

When I was 17, my mother said to me, don't stop imagining, the day that you do is the day that you die.

Inspired me to make a film of me being happy through the pain. Smiling through the hurt. It's nostalgic about the past and reflective of the pain, but HAPPY. Laughing. Dancing. Singing.

Back to the mountains August 17th and happy about it. So happy. I miss my true friends. The sweet girls. The sweet boys. Be a sweet one. BE A SWEET ONE.

This post is choppy and useless and dull but my life is like that sometimes. I get annoyed with the routine but fall in love with the potential. Thoughts of the future get me through. Thoughts of being independent and strong.

I sorta have a crush on him but he's not mine. He is sweet, really. Says he waited for me. He was young then. Anchorman 2 in the car was his favorite. We didn't watch much. Distracted with the tangled emotions. I don't remember it all but I wish I did now. Now that he is older and talks to me more than any other friends. He cares and sometimes that's all I really need.

someone who cares

C is gorgeous and creative, she doesn't know what is in store for her. She could be a big influence in the world. She is the peacekeeper of both sides. The spiritual and the careless. The party and the prayer. She is a lover of love; both the give and take.

B is adventure. She breathes adrenaline. She is the only one to ever hold my pace. We run over rocks together step by step in sync. Hair flying. Bruised knees. Stained clothes. That is being with B. Never will I deny my love for her.

K is comfort. She is the one who raises you up. Makes you feel like you deserve the best. She loves everything new and old. Outdoors and indoors. She loves people. She loves burgers. She can talk to anyone like she misses them. Like she wants to see them more often. She just really cares & that's refreshing.

E is everything to me. She is the only friend I have ever cried to. She is the only person outside of my family that I have let hold me as I sobbed. I LOVE HER. She is the epitome of class, intelligence, and strength. She is emotional and connected like me. We are the perfect duo and I wouldn't trade her for the world.

S is like a sister. I miss her. She scratched my back on long flights and talked to me about everything on my mind. We are gonna live together and have countless late chats I'm sure. I love her because when I'm with her I'm just happy. She's happy.

Sometimes I cry when I think of the blessed people who invest in me as friends. I live a life of happiness because of those I love.

Thank you.

I love you dad

Today I am writing about something that is important to me. On July 8th, 2014 my dad was diagnosed with Huntington's Disease. Prior to his diagnosis I had done research and basically decided for myself that I thought he had this particular disease and that getting him tested would be a good idea. I was hoping I was wrong, but knew I was right. Huntington's Disease is a currently incurable, horrible, degenerative disease that gradually chips away at every aspect of a person. It takes a toll on people mentally, physically, and emotionally.

After the doctors confirmed that my dad did indeed suffer from this disease I googled symptoms and read horror stories of victims until I was sobbing. Every person progresses in the disease differently. I have seen the changes in my dad physically as he has lost a lot of his ability to exercise and build muscle. I have seen him struggle with his speech and thinking of what he is trying to say. It has affected him in more ways than I would have ever imagined and has been a struggle for both him and our family, but honestly, he has it good.

He has continued doing an amazing job in his career and has kept up with his responsibilities in church. He has proven that he can continue being the man he was and that he doesn't have to let the disease define him. There are so many cases of people with Huntington's Disease that are worse. Cases of people who die within 5 years of being diagnosed. People who completely lose their ability to speak within 2 years and have to be sent to nursing homes at the young age of 40. I am thankful for my dad and love him more than I could ever express. He is a great example to me of how to be strong through times of trial.

But there's more. Huntington's Disease is genetic. Most people get the disease through an affected parent with the mutated gene. My dad has a rare case of a mutated gene that randomly developed not as a result of a parent having it. Even though he did not receive it from a parent, from this generation on, it is genetic. There is a 50% chance my brothers and I could have Huntington's Disease. This didn't set in at first. All I could think about was my dad and the hardships he would face and whether or not he would be okay. But one day while talking to a close friend about everything on my mind, I realized that I was in this too. It is a painstaking situation. Not knowing whether or not you want to be tested, not knowing what you would do if it was positive, and not knowing what the future holds.

Through all of this, the one and only true comfort has been through my Heavenly Father. I have prayed countless times to find solace and comfort in him and every time I have felt his love wrap around me letting me know it will all be okay. I don't know if this will be just my dad's burden or my brothers and mine too. But what I do know is that I feel a strong confirmation that I will have a family one day and will live a life up to the potential I know I can. I have confidence in the plan of my God and know that if I trust in him, everything will be okay.

Today as I have thought about this disease and its ripple affects through families and generations, I feel it confirmed to me that I need to do something about this. Cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinsons, and other big name diseases have countless fundraisers that raise awareness and money to help find cures. Huntington's doesn't have the same following. 1 in 30,000 people in America suffer from Huntington's. Even though this is only a small blog post probably being read by only a few family a friends, this is the beginning. I am starting today to think of ways and ideas for new fundraisers to help with gaining both funds and awareness for Huntington's. We live in a world of so much innovation and technology and I believe that the cure is close. Because I have a family member so close to me affected, I intend to do my share to aid in that.

This is the beginning of what I hope to be an eye-opening and enlightening journey to finding the cure. I love all my friends and family and am thankful for everyone who has shown love and support to both me and my family. I am ready to make a change.

Poppy St.

Let's go to my favorite places. The places that give me chills, make the joy swell up inside, cause me to want to scream that I love the world.

I took them to the ocean. To the cliff jumping rock in Corona Del Mar. We came at high tide when the waves were barreling through the arch. When you had to time your swim to the rock perfectly to avoid being slammed. It was overcast and choppy and scary but I love being in the water in its best and worst. It's exhilarating. Not knowing what's underneath. Letting yourself delve into their world. A world we don't control. Somewhere you can't display your dominance. Somewhere you have to surrender.

I took them to the Ruby's Shake Shack. The place with the view like no other. Tiny bungalows on the beach and cliffs towering over the endless expanse of water. It was midday but I was dreaming of sunset.

I took them to the waves at Huntington. We exhausted ourselves in volleyball games on the sand and ran to the ocean. 15 minutes till work and running, lunging into the water. The waves were big and the best for diving. Out past where you can touch. Sinking into the abyss of water going over and under until we ran back in to make it by 3 pm. I love that.

I took them to Anderson Street. 3 boards and bad waves. The tide was high and the shore break was striking. Surfing isn't really my forte but I love the burn as you paddle to get over the next wave. I love when you just make it and the very tip of the board slices the peak of the wave. I love the surge of power that waves give off. So much strength and daunting control.

I took them to Main Street. To Bogarts and New York Slice and California Cottage. To the places I was raised at. That street alone holds my childhood. The days when I begged to go to the beach and played in the waves fearlessly. I hated laying on the sand. I wanted to be in the water; I wanted to be of the water. Played tag with the waves all day. They couldn't catch me as I dove under for hours and hours. I love home.

This place is my sanctuary. My place to reflect and grow. My place to refresh and restart. My place. It's the place I can drive with my weezer tape on and the wind blowing through my hair. That's what makes me happy. That's what keeps me coming back for more.

I love you.

trio of sleepless nights

She is a girl with a love of the world. She loves the vastness and vulnerability of the ocean. She loves the crisp, cold air of the snowy mountains. She is quiet but loud when she wants to be. She has an endless vision of the potential of those around her. She loves her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and knows that without him she is a lost soul. She is eternally grateful for her best friends who talk to her like she means something to the world. She is a lover of clothes and cool shoes. She is unthinkably happy when she wants to be. She cries when she hurts or when she loves. She sings louder than broadway in the shower and everywhere else for that matter. She is deeply in love with her hometown. She wishes she could travel the world and eat sour patch watermelons for a summer. She is incredibly determined and driven in her athletics. She wants to love and be loved on a grand scale. She wants to make more friends and have the life she has only ever dreamed of. One of constant adventure. She crushes on boys 95% of the time. She loves rock, indie, alternative, and has a soft spot for rap. She lives for her Weezer and Ramones tapes. She walked to school to Childish Gambino for almost a year. She loved her 2nd semester roommates. She loves potatoes & tacos. She loves people who care. People who are compassionate and genuine and think about others. She wants a family. She believes motherhood is the most prestigious calling. She wants to own a shop and supply it with clothes, art, and literature that inspire her. She wants to publish a book about the world from her eyes. She is interested in the human experience and the stream of consciousness of modern literature. Her favorite book is The Catcher in the Rye. She loved The Great Gatsby before that. She loves heights and the rush of adrenaline. She loves dancing almost as much as she loves sleeping. She used to go to stake dances with her favorite little brother and dance until she was drenched in sweat. Just cause it was fun. She loves to have fun and to be free. She doesn't care much what others think of her. She just wants to live a good life. A life of passion. She wrote this to tell of the many things she is and to justify to herself that maybe she is good enough.

i'm feeling bloody inspired by the brits

Alexa Chung is a beauty of our time. She is one of the most inspiring young women to ever exist I believe. She is calm, cool, and collected but with an innate sense of fun and good humor. I believe that she is the epitome of what it is to be 'real'. Do I even know her? No. Do I aspire to be exactly like her? No. But have I felt a desire to better myself because of things I have read and watched by her? Absolutely. So is that not the definition of a good and inspiring person? I believe whether or not we have met someone, if they challenge us to put out better content and be better humans it doesn't matter. 

here's to being more creative. here's to putting out new content on all platforms of my life.

aspirations:

write a book

make art

own a boutique

film a documentary of life through my eyes

better my blog

show lookbooks and outfits to the world

travel

journal more

EXPERIENCE LIFE

 

happy valentines, lover

East of Eden - Zella Day

Ghirardelli squares filled with carmel

packages filled with letters

gummi grapefruit again (he knows me so well)

frontrunner rides to farmington

evenings with e

Celine Dion sing alongs with z

SUN

birkenstocks

swig sugar cookies

spotify playlists by e


I like making lists of things I love. It makes me love more. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY. People hate this holiday, but it is beautiful. Get over your lack of lovers; remember your love for life. Good things come to those who love Heavenly Father. Such good things. I have been blessed beyond compare by remaining loyal to the gospel and his Church. I have such hard times. I cried into the arms of e only two days ago. But SO WHAT. We feel inadequate, we hurt, we struggle, we wonder, we cry, and we make it through. I know that I struggle with things that are unique to me and things that everyone has to get through. I guess what I want to say is that we are all so similar. The human experience is nothing new. So how do we become new and different and SPECIAL? We deal with human experience and CREATE human experience better than anyone before. I hope to create an experience in life that is admirable, exciting, and inspiring. So from now on I vow to love and be loved. I vow to see myself through the eyes of God. I vow to remember my divine nature. I vow to be the best friend I can be. I vow to work hard for better results. I vow to write more to k. I vow to be a better me. You don't need a new year to make a change. Change is GOOD.

I love you all and love LOVE.

click

I love to be with people who I connect with. There are particular people who when we are together it's tangible. People see that we have a connection. That is beautiful to me. So beautiful to see when two people finish each other's sentences and quote shows together. That is what I love about people. We are all so different but every once in a while we meet someone like us. Someone who gets our jokes and likes our style. Someone who thinks we are pretty even if we really aren't too impressive.

This is my situation. I meet people who make me feel beautiful and like I matter. Those are the people I stick with. Not everyone is my cup of tea & that's okay. I'm sure I am not everyone's either. But the point is, we have so many options! There is so much beauty and similarity in the world. 

I love good conversations and meaningful eye contact. I love when people tell a story to a group but only make eye contact with you. I love when people are fearless about what they love and passionately proclaim it. I love the gospel and the way it brings people to a higher plane. I love good style and cool shoes. I love feeling comfortable with someone. I love that feeling of common interest. That is when I am most happy. 

I love good friends and caring family. 

xo

jen

peachie o's

the gospel

retrograde by james blake

phone calls with my best friend & favorite little brother brandon

accounting puns

getting my approach right

eating peachie o's with e

loving emails from AZ

heritage halls

coming home to treats & a note

fuel cards

talks on the bus ride home

childish gambino



I am so grateful for all of the good things in my life. Things are going well. I am so happy I have so many blessings in my life. I have great family. Great friends. Great teammates. A great coach. Great teachers. Great people are inspiring me everyday in every way. I know that God is here for me and will guide me through everything I need. So come. Come and see what it is like to be Jennifer Bandley in this peculiar world.

Much love.

jen

joke

My dad is going through something really hard. I am going through something really hard. I cry often. I hurt often. I struggle everyday with something that will never be resolved. Something that no matter how many tears I shed, it will never go away. You want to make a joke? You want me to laugh at some dirty joke? I CAN'T. I can't ignore the pain, the hurt, the sorrow of me and others for some stupid game you play. It's not right. It's not good. It's not fair. It's not fair that you can ignore everything  and justify it for the game. You aren't justified. It wasn't funny in fifth grade and it isn't funny now. I acted like it was. To be friendly, cool, composed. But its not. It's stupid. Childish. Ignorant. It's not helping me become stronger and better. It's tearing me down. I'm sorry but when you are barely making it and struggle everyday to hold on emotionally, this type of thing is detrimental.

I'm done.

gummi grapefruit

I don't even have the words to write this post.

I just know I want to write it.

I don't know. 

IDK

okay, here it goes.

I want to write poetry & blog posts.

I want to make films of great people in great places.

I want to camp and rock climb.

I want to buy a nice camera and take good photos.

I want to listen to good music in a cool car.

I want to open a shop to make and sell my artwork.

I want to go to California and be in the ocean again.

I want to long and triple jump farther than I ever have.

I want to live life with freedom and purpose.

I WANT TO BE FREE.

There are so many things I want to do and I feel constricted. Like a room is pushing closer and closer in on me, pushing out anything non-academic I want to do. It's suffocating me. I am out of breath, out of motivation. 

Life is so good right now. It really is. I swear. But I'm freaking mad. I want to be able to do more than I am. I want things I can't have. Things that are important to me and represent who I am. I have to hide them and ignore their presence in my life. I don't want to do that! Dang it! I don't!

I want to listen to M83 and drive to california with all my best friends. I want to show them the underwater world. I want to swim in the ocean with the garabaldi and the sea bass through the kelp forests. Do you know how beautiful that is? The feeling is unspeakable. It is ethereal and a complete feat of vulnerability. You are in their world. Not yours. Anything could swim through those waters. Sharks, eels, sting rays, dolphins, whales, seals, schools of fish. Anything. And the best thing is, you don't know. You are opening up to the ocean and letting it take you. Letting it consume your every thought and breath. EVERYTHING. COMMITTED. VULNERABLE. HAPPY. IN LOVE. 

I'm in love. 

THIS WORLD MAKES ME FALL IN LOVE. WITH EVERYTHING. EVERYONE. 

I wish I could express more of what I feel. But for now just know that I crave something new. Something Jen.

xo

TILL 3005, HOLD UP

HELLO 2015

My life has been so blessed this year. I met beautiful people who will be with me forever and ever. I met the love of my life. I met my best friend. I met hundreds of people at school, track, concerts, parties, adventures, and more. I love where I am right now.

My boy is on a mission but my love has done nothing but grow. GUYS. He is my boy. Simple as that. He led me to a beautiful group of people and many of whom have changed my life forever. I am so blessed to have him. He is caring, charismatic, compassionate, loyal, loving, kind, and amazing. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS BOY. You can't. You just have to meet and love him. Like I did. I immediately fell in love. I knew the first time we hung out I would be with him for a long long time. No questions asked. No hesitation. No bad feelings. No uncertainty. Just calm and confident love. 

My best friend talks to me everyday and sends me funny gifs when I'm dealing with dumb people. She drives me places in her subie and we have so much fun together. She understands me and I understand her. That sounds so simple, but if you can find someone with those qualities it is beautiful. And so so happy. That's what she makes me. She makes me happy, excited, confident, calm, inspired, and honored. Honored to be her friend and to be someone she can turn to in her time of need. 

My track team and coach bless me every day of the week. I am so happy to be able to workout with such talented people and be taught by the best. I learn so much and am glad I am able to have somewhere to measure my success. Whether or not it is just a sport, it is something that I can work for and achieve. I test myself day in and day out and push myself to new extremes. Do you know how rewarding that is? It helps me to gain confidence in myself and my abilities. I am able to prove to everyone around me that I am not a small and weak girl. I am a Division 1 athlete who works as hard as she possibly can to better herself. 

My school has been so good. It has been dang hard. BYU is competitive beyond belief and really caught me off guard. It stunned me that after being such a hard worker in high school and being successful that I could fail. I got a 2.91. Unreal to me. Unreal to my family. Unreal. But that is a thing of the past. New Jen will work harder and will succeed. I know that no matter what I work for and am confident in I can do. I know that for sure. 

2015 WILL BE A YEAR OF LOVE.

 IT WILL BE A YEAR OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

 IT WILL BE A YEAR OF GROWTH. 

IT WILL BE A YEAR OF CHANGE. 

IT WILL BE A YEAR OF SORROW, BUT INDESCRIBABLE HAPPINESS.

 IT WILL BE A YEAR OF ADVENTURE. 

BUT MOST OF ALL, IT WILL BE THE BEST YEAR YET.

i love you kobi

i love you elizabeth & tim

i love you mom

i love you dad

i love you brandon

i love you christian

i love you gma & gpa

i love you britten

i love you mari

i love you hagen, keith, eric

i love you daylee & carla

i love you ALL

HAPPY NEW YEAR

catalina beauty

more beauty coming soon but for now here is a video of the gorgeous underwater world that surrounds us

CATALINA