jen: January 2015

Monday, January 26, 2015

peachie o's

the gospel

retrograde by james blake

phone calls with my best friend & favorite little brother brandon

accounting puns

getting my approach right

eating peachie o's with e

loving emails from AZ

heritage halls

coming home to treats & a note

fuel cards

talks on the bus ride home

childish gambino

I am so grateful for all of the good things in my life. Things are going well. I am so happy I have so many blessings in my life. I have great family. Great friends. Great teammates. A great coach. Great teachers. Great people are inspiring me everyday in every way. I know that God is here for me and will guide me through everything I need. So come. Come and see what it is like to be Jennifer Bandley in this peculiar world.

Much love.

jen

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

joke

My dad is going through something really hard. I am going through something really hard. I cry often. I hurt often. I struggle everyday with something that will never be resolved. Something that no matter how many tears I shed, it will never go away. You want to make a joke? You want me to laugh at some dirty joke? I CAN'T. I can't ignore the pain, the hurt, the sorrow of me and others for some stupid game you play. It's not right. It's not good. It's not fair. It's not fair that you can ignore everything and justify it for the game. You aren't justified. It wasn't funny in fifth grade and it isn't funny now. I acted like it was. To be friendly, cool, composed. But its not. It's stupid. Childish. Ignorant. It's not helping me become stronger and better. It's tearing me down. I'm sorry but when you are barely making it and struggle everyday to hold on emotionally, this type of thing is detrimental.

I'm done.

gummi grapefruit

I don't even have the words to write this post.

I just know I want to write it.

I don't know.

IDK

okay, here it goes.

I want to write poetry & blog posts.

I want to make films of great people in great places.

I want to camp and rock climb.

I want to buy a nice camera and take good photos.

I want to listen to good music in a cool car.

I want to open a shop to make and sell my artwork.

I want to go to California and be in the ocean again.

I want to long and triple jump farther than I ever have.

I want to live life with freedom and purpose.

I WANT TO BE FREE.

There are so many things I want to do and I feel constricted. Like a room is pushing closer and closer in on me, pushing out anything non-academic I want to do. It's suffocating me. I am out of breath, out of motivation.

Life is so good right now. It really is. I swear. But I'm freaking mad. I want to be able to do more than I am. I want things I can't have. Things that are important to me and represent who I am. I have to hide them and ignore their presence in my life. I don't want to do that! Dang it! I don't!

I want to listen to M83 and drive to california with all my best friends. I want to show them the underwater world. I want to swim in the ocean with the garabaldi and the sea bass through the kelp forests. Do you know how beautiful that is? The feeling is unspeakable. It is ethereal and a complete feat of vulnerability. You are in their world. Not yours. Anything could swim through those waters. Sharks, eels, sting rays, dolphins, whales, seals, schools of fish. Anything. And the best thing is, you don't know. You are opening up to the ocean and letting it take you. Letting it consume your every thought and breath. EVERYTHING. COMMITTED. VULNERABLE. HAPPY. IN LOVE.

I'm in love.

THIS WORLD MAKES ME FALL IN LOVE. WITH EVERYTHING. EVERYONE.

I wish I could express more of what I feel. But for now just know that I crave something new. Something Jen.

TILL 3005, HOLD UP

Thursday, January 8, 2015

HELLO 2015

My life has been so blessed this year. I met beautiful people who will be with me forever and ever. I met the love of my life. I met my best friend. I met hundreds of people at school, track, concerts, parties, adventures, and more. I love where I am right now.

My boy is on a mission but my love has done nothing but grow. GUYS. He is my boy. Simple as that. He led me to a beautiful group of people and many of whom have changed my life forever. I am so blessed to have him. He is caring, charismatic, compassionate, loyal, loving, kind, and amazing. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS BOY. You can't. You just have to meet and love him. Like I did. I immediately fell in love. I knew the first time we hung out I would be with him for a long long time. No questions asked. No hesitation. No bad feelings. No uncertainty. Just calm and confident love.

My best friend talks to me everyday and sends me funny gifs when I'm dealing with dumb people. She drives me places in her subie and we have so much fun together. She understands me and I understand her. That sounds so simple, but if you can find someone with those qualities it is beautiful. And so so happy. That's what she makes me. She makes me happy, excited, confident, calm, inspired, and honored. Honored to be her friend and to be someone she can turn to in her time of need.

My track team and coach bless me every day of the week. I am so happy to be able to workout with such talented people and be taught by the best. I learn so much and am glad I am able to have somewhere to measure my success. Whether or not it is just a sport, it is something that I can work for and achieve. I test myself day in and day out and push myself to new extremes. Do you know how rewarding that is? It helps me to gain confidence in myself and my abilities. I am able to prove to everyone around me that I am not a small and weak girl. I am a Division 1 athlete who works as hard as she possibly can to better herself.

My school has been so good. It has been dang hard. BYU is competitive beyond belief and really caught me off guard. It stunned me that after being such a hard worker in high school and being successful that I could fail. I got a 2.91. Unreal to me. Unreal to my family. Unreal. But that is a thing of the past. New Jen will work harder and will succeed. I know that no matter what I work for and am confident in I can do. I know that for sure.

2015 WILL BE A YEAR OF LOVE.

IT WILL BE A YEAR OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

IT WILL BE A YEAR OF GROWTH.

IT WILL BE A YEAR OF CHANGE.

IT WILL BE A YEAR OF SORROW, BUT INDESCRIBABLE HAPPINESS.

IT WILL BE A YEAR OF ADVENTURE.

BUT MOST OF ALL, IT WILL BE THE BEST YEAR YET.

i love you kobi

i love you elizabeth & tim

i love you mom

i love you dad

i love you brandon