jen: gummi grapefruit

I don't even have the words to write this post.

I just know I want to write it.

I don't know.

IDK

okay, here it goes.

I want to write poetry & blog posts.

I want to make films of great people in great places.

I want to camp and rock climb.

I want to buy a nice camera and take good photos.

I want to listen to good music in a cool car.

I want to open a shop to make and sell my artwork.

I want to go to California and be in the ocean again.

I want to long and triple jump farther than I ever have.

I want to live life with freedom and purpose.

I WANT TO BE FREE.

There are so many things I want to do and I feel constricted. Like a room is pushing closer and closer in on me, pushing out anything non-academic I want to do. It's suffocating me. I am out of breath, out of motivation.

Life is so good right now. It really is. I swear. But I'm freaking mad. I want to be able to do more than I am. I want things I can't have. Things that are important to me and represent who I am. I have to hide them and ignore their presence in my life. I don't want to do that! Dang it! I don't!

I want to listen to M83 and drive to california with all my best friends. I want to show them the underwater world. I want to swim in the ocean with the garabaldi and the sea bass through the kelp forests. Do you know how beautiful that is? The feeling is unspeakable. It is ethereal and a complete feat of vulnerability. You are in their world. Not yours. Anything could swim through those waters. Sharks, eels, sting rays, dolphins, whales, seals, schools of fish. Anything. And the best thing is, you don't know. You are opening up to the ocean and letting it take you. Letting it consume your every thought and breath. EVERYTHING. COMMITTED. VULNERABLE. HAPPY. IN LOVE.

I'm in love.

THIS WORLD MAKES ME FALL IN LOVE. WITH EVERYTHING. EVERYONE.

I wish I could express more of what I feel. But for now just know that I crave something new. Something Jen.